Here is the definitive ranking of animals, from the “barely trying” to the “virtually human.”

We often talk about the firm squeeze of a CEO or the limp-fish flop of a disinterested nephew, but today we are looking beyond our species. The animal kingdom is full of graspers, clutchers, and claspers. But who can actually shake hands like a human? We analyzed 25 candidates based on three key metrics: Thumb Opposability (TO), Grip Dexterity (GD), and Social Willingness (SW).

Here is the definitive ranking of animals, from the “barely trying” to the “virtually human.”

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Tier 5: The “Technically It’s a Limb” Category

25. The American Lobster

• The Shake: “The Vice Grip”
• Verdict: Terrifying. While the lobster technically offers a pincer that resembles an outstretched hand, the lack of fingers and the presence of crushing hydraulic pressure make this a handshake to avoid. It’s less “Nice to meet you” and more “I am removing your thumb.”

24. Tyrannosaurus Rex

• The Shake: “The Ghost”
• Verdict: Included for historical context. The T-Rex had the spirit, but the biomechanics were tragic. The arms were too short to bridge the social distance required for a formal introduction. A handshake that ends before it begins.

23. The Octopus

• The Shake: “The Clinger”
• Verdict: Too enthusiastic. A handshake requires a release; the octopus doesn’t understand this. With hundreds of suckers and no bones, the texture is all wrong—slimy, cold, and clingy. Plus, shaking one arm often implies consent to shake the other seven.

22. The Chameleon

• The Shake: “The Pincer”
• Verdict: Chameleons possess zygodactylous feet (two toes forward, two back), creating a clamp-like grip. However, they move in slow, shuddering steps and usually mistake your finger for a branch. Zero eye contact.

21. The Parrot

• The Shake: “The Footer”
• Verdict: Birds like Macaws and Cockatoos are highly intelligent and often lift a foot to greet owners. While charming, shaking a foot while the other party is standing is a breach of etiquette. The talons also tend to pierce the skin, ruining the diplomatic effect.

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Tier 4: The Reluctant & The Confused

20. The Squirrel

• The Shake: “The Jitterbug”
• Verdict: Squirrels have surprisingly dexterous little hands for manipulating acorns. However, their grip is frantic and scratchy. They treat your hand less like a partner and more like a tree bark surface to be scaled.

19. The Three-Toed Sloth

• The Shake: “The Slow-Mo”
• Verdict: By the time the sloth has raised its arm to meet yours, the networking event is over. Their long, curved claws act as hooks rather than grippers. They don’t squeeze; they just hang there.

18. The Opossum

• The Shake: “The Reverse Thumb”
• Verdict: North America’s only marsupial has an opposable thumb (hallux)—but it’s on their hind feet. Trying to shake hands with an opossum involves an awkward leg lift that looks more like a yoga pose than a greeting.

17. The Kangaroo

• The Shake: “The Boxer”
• Verdict: Kangaroos have five-fingered hands that are great for grappling. The problem is they usually use this grip to hold you in place while they kick you in the ribs. A firm grip, but the hostility score is too high.

16. The Domestic Cat

• The Shake: “The Dead Fish”
• Verdict: Can a cat shake hands? Yes. Will it? Only if there is a high-value treat involved, and even then, the “shake” is a limp, disdainful tap on your palm. It is the handshake of a monarch dismissing a peasant.

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Tier 3: The Honorable Mentions

15. The Polydactyl Cat

• The Shake: “The Mitten”
• Verdict: Ranking slightly higher than standard cats due to the “Ernest Hemingway” gene. These cats possess extra toes, giving their paws a broad, baseball-glove appearance that feels surprisingly substantial in the hand. Still suffers from the classic feline attitude problem.

14. The Grizzly Bear

• The Shake: “The High Five”
• Verdict: Bears have plantigrade paws (walking flat-footed like humans) and can rotate their forearms. Circus history proves they can learn the gesture. However, without a true opposable thumb, it’s just a flat slab of meat. Also, the risk of mauled shoulders keeps them out of the top 10.

13. The Sea Otter

• The Shake: “The Holder”
• Verdict: Sea otters hold hands while sleeping to stop drifting apart. This is arguably the purest form of hand-holding in nature. However, for a business handshake, it’s too intimate. Plus, they keep rocks in their armpits.

12. The Giant Panda

• The Shake: “The False Thumb”
• Verdict: Pandas have a unique sesamoid bone in their wrist that acts as a “false thumb” for gripping bamboo. It works for eating, but in a handshake, it feels bony and rigid. A clumsy greeter.

11. The Spider Monkey

• The Shake: “The Hook”
• Verdict: Evolutionarily, the Spider Monkey lost its thumb to swing better through trees. Their hand is four long fingers forming a meat-hook. You can shake it, but you can’t lock it. It feels unfinished.

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Tier 2: The Contenders

10. The Raccoon

• The Shake: “The Sensory Wash”
• Verdict: Raccoons lack thumbs but make up for it with hypersensitive palms. They have 5x more mechanoreceptors in their hands than most mammals. Shaking hands with a raccoon is a tactile experience; they will feel every ridge of your fingerprint. The downside? Their hands are often wet because they douse everything in water.

9. The Capuchin

• The Shake: “The Hustler”
• Verdict: The classic “organ grinder” monkey. They have thumbs (though not fully opposable in the human sense) and high dexterity. They understand the exchange. However, their handshake often feels transactional, like they are checking for a coin in your palm.

8. The Baboon

• The Shake: “The Politician”
• Verdict: Baboons have some of the best opposable thumbs outside of the great apes. Their precision grip is elite. However, a baboon handshake is often accompanied by a baring of teeth and intense eye contact that signals dominance. A very aggressive networker.

7. The Orangutan

• The Shake: “The Leather Glove”
• Verdict: With four long fingers and a short thumb, the Orangutan’s hand is designed for hooking branches. Their grip strength is roughly 5-7 times that of a human. The skin is leathery and dry. It’s a slow, powerful shake that commands respect, though the short thumb makes the “lock” difficult.

6. The Gorilla

• The Shake: “The Crusher”
• Verdict: The Gorilla hand is massive, with short, thick fingers. It’s like shaking a catcher’s mitt made of granite. The thumb is opposable but relatively small compared to the massive palm. A Gorilla handshake is a life-changing event that requires you to be very submissive unless you want your radius bone snapped.

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Tier 1: The Handshake Elite

5. The Koala

• The Shake: “The Double-Clutch”
• Verdict: The Koala is the dark horse of this list. Why? Two opposable thumbs on each hand. That is not a typo. The Koala’s hand consists of two thumbs and three fingers, allowing for a pincer-like grip that is biologically superior for grasping branches—and hands. It is the most secure grip in the animal kingdom. If a Koala shakes your hand, you are shook.

4. The Border Collie (representing all Dogs)

• The Shake: “The Good Boy”
• Verdict: Anatomically, dogs are a disaster—no thumbs, just toes and pads. But functionally? They are the masters. We have bred them for thousands of years to perform this specific trick. The enthusiasm, the paw placement, the eye contact—the Dog Shake scores a 10/10 for Social Willingness, even if the Grip Mechanics are a 2/10.

3. The Bonobo

• The Shake: “The Empath”
• Verdict: Bonobos are our closest relatives (alongside chimps) but are far less aggressive. A Bonobo handshake is gentle, warm, and eerily human. Their hands are long and slender. The only risk is that Bonobos use handshakes (and other touches) to resolve all conflicts, so the handshake might linger a little too long and become… awkward.

2. The Chimpanzee

• The Shake: “The Mirror”
• Verdict: The gold standard of non-human gripping. The Chimpanzee hand is nearly identical to a human’s, albeit with a shorter thumb and longer palm. They use tools, they groom, and they grasp with intent. A chimp’s handshake conveys strength, texture, and temperature that is 99% human. It is the Uncanny Valley of handshakes.

1. The Human

• The Shake: “The Original”
• Verdict: We tried to find a champion in the wild, but after reviewing 24 other species, we must concede the title. The human hand, with its long, fully opposable thumb and distinct muscle control, was evolutionarily designed for this exact gesture. No other animal can execute the “squeeze, pump, release” with the same level of nuance. We are the kings of the shake.

Don’t agree with our rankings? Reach out to us (with an open palm) in the comments below.